Inhumanities and Other Such Heinous Acts
by That's How I Hanataroll
Summary: You have wanted it, and you have recieved it! Your one and only starter guide to the world of Pokemon. crackfic oneshot.


**_Welcome once again to a piece of my domain._**

**Inhumanities and Other Such Heinous Acts**

Welcome! Welcome to the world of Pokemon!

A wonderful world. Yes, so absolutely, mind boggingly wonderfulistic!

Everyone loves the world of Pokemon! It's a great place where ten year old kids run off with wild animals! They shove these cute little creatures into tiny capsules and force them to do battle!

Yes, the world of the Pokemon is a wondrous place!

* * *

Part One: Empty Nest Syndrome? Not Here, Not Here!

Hooray! You have now reached ten years old! But wait! The introduction comes first!

Welcome to the world of Pokemon! This happens every game, you know the drill! See ya later Professor!

Anyways...welcome to the town of _Wherever You Live_! The smallest town and starter point of _Such and Such Region_! Today is the day numerous kids, just like yourself, get to begin their Pokemon journey. You lucky dog you. But, wait. You are ten!

Not a problem, not a problem. At least, not in the Pokemon World! Here, our parents are very eager to let you leave. So head to the Professor's lab without fear.

At this lab, you will find three great Pokemon. Choose the first one you see, or the one you know will do best in battle, and be on your way!

That fire type? Nah, it sucks at the first rock type gym. The water type? Sure, it's a shoe-in for the first gym, but the second is water, you numb-skull! The Grass type? It will do good at the first and second gym, but what about in the forest? Bug type are going to own it and eat it for dinner. So many decisions.

But whatever. Just grab that Pokemon and run home! Show your mom the Pokemon and Pokedex you are sure to now have in hand! And, that's just it! In three simple steps, your mother will have said 'Leave! Be free, my child! Go off with this wild animal and journey across the cold, dark and lonely land!'. Well, not exactly in those words, but you can be sure she is thinking something like that.

And about the wild animals? They may act friendly, but they have a lot of moves up their sleeves. That cute little tiny Charmander can burn you to a nice well-done and eat you for breakfast! The oh so sweet Bulbasaur will cut you to shreds. And that Squirtle? Heh heh. Good luck with that.

Part 2: 3, 2, 1, Return! It's Just That Easy!

Oh, yes. That one Pokemon friend you received from the Professor won't be the only one you receive! Oh, you thought it would be? Are you new to this? No, you will catch many friends. Silly little truffle. And, with these many friends, you must have somewhere to keep them all. You can't let all six walk with you the whole time. They will get bigger and eventually could smother you. And that wouldn't be very good. So, that is what the completely convenient, completely humane Pokeball is for!

No more must your Pokemon walk with you the whole time. You just press the button like so an viola! Your huge Charizard is squashed neatly inside the 2 inch diameter capsule! Isn't that great? Charizard is all nice and cozy. He's packed nicely in there for when you need him next! All you have to do is press the button once more, scream 'Charizard! Go!' and your Pokemon friend will be right by your side, ready for another battle! See that look on his face? He is in love with that small home. See the breath coming from his nose? Oh, he must be cold. Better call him back inside.

'Charizard! Return!'

You've Made Him So Happy.

Yeah. You know what you've done.

Part 3: Grass v. That Giant Fire Type That Loves His Pokeball

Next up comes battling! Did you really believe you would have a nice soft journey with no obstacles? As if.

Look, here comes another trainer. Oh, it's our friend from part two! Perhaps they would like a battle.

All you must do is lock eyes and...

!

Yes that's it. Now you must battle. Remember the previous steps. Yes that's right. Take that Pokeball and throw it. Aww, look at your cute Bulbasaur! Aww, it's smiling. And look! It's our friend Charizard! Growling in Pokemon is a battle move. And Rawr in Charizard means 'I Love You!'

Now, first you must tell Bulbasaur to do something. Your cute lil' Bulba will have four nifty little moves.

'Bulbasaur! Use Tackle!'

Ooh, minus twenty hitpoint. You're getting there. Now it's that Charizard's turn.

'Charizard, use Tail Whip!'

Hm, it seems Charizard isn't listening. He used Fire Wheel instead. Poor little Bulba.

Be sure, Trainer Two, to check the badges section. You may need to rack up a few more.

And Trainer three, check out the next section.

Part 4: 3 Seconds or Less Or Your Money Back!

When Bulbasuar fainted, you automatically whited out! Great, huh? Then, you immediately rush off to the last Pokemon Center you went to, regardless of how close another is.

Just walk up to the Pink Haired Nurse! She will say hi. Say hi back. Then hand her your cute little capsules. She will take them and place them on that ominous looking machine.

'Dun dun dun dun dun!'

3 Seconds have passed.

'Here you go! Your Pokemon are fully healed. Please come again.'

The hidden meaning?

'Fight and lose more battles. The less Pokemon the better.'

Isn't she nice?

Part 5: Team What's Our Name!

Here's something mom didn't see coming on your worldwide journey! Strangers.

'Hey, kid. Wanna give me all your Pokemon?'

Of course you don't. That would be weird. Look closely at this person. Do they have a mustache that is partially falling off? Or maybe under their pleather jacket is a white shirt with a ginormous red 'R'. Yep that's our Team Rocket.

Aren't they just the greatest?

Anyway.

'Hey kid. Wanna give me all your Pokemon?'

This calls for a battle.

Quickly! Press the button and release that Wartortle! Now, water gun!

If you play your cards right, you should hit them square in the chest.

Your new best friends are now shooting clear off into the sky.

Bing.

A shooting star! Quick, make a wish. And don't worry. They're fine. And they'll be back. You can be sure.

Part 6: 'Da Law

Yes, even in Magical Pokemon World, we have the law.

They all look alike, too, all those officers. It could get confusing at times. But do not worry, they won't arrest you. You're a ten year old on a world journey! And nothing too serious has happened yet. You'll be fine. But, that officer's eyes look shifty. She will approach you like any other. Only she waves a nice big flashlight in peoples' eyes. Its intimidation, do not fear. She just wants a battle. She'll release her nice Growlithe or something of the sort.

Just press the button and let Bulbasaur do all the work.

Fortunately for Bulba, this trainer's pokemon listens to her.

'Growlithe. Ember!'

Tough Break.

Part 7: Poke Love

Now, after all this, your Pokemon are sure to love you! Battle often and keep them in their nice, cozy containers! What more could go wrong? Just follow this guide and all will go perfectly well. And good luck with that new pokemon of yours.

Be sure to dodge that Fire Blast though.

Watch out for them strangers.

And don't come home. All mom will do is give you the same 3 second treatment the Pokemon Center does and send you back on your way! She loves you, really. Just stop bugging her already.

Where're the fathers in the Pokemon world anyway.

What, are you all like Aniken Skywalker? Well, if you are, leave.

You're reading the wrong guide.

**End**


End file.
